It's funny how that idea can carry over into adult life. I hear things all the time like "just put on a smile" or "fake it 'til you make it." That's great and all -- but what happens when the vaseline starts running low?
[sidenote]
Maybe all of that just made no sense to you, so let me explain where I'm coming from. After three years of marriage, my husband and I decided in March 2015 that we were ready to expand our family. Fast forward to June 2016 -- two miscarriages and a year have gone by since that dream came into our hearts. Extensive genetic testing (with 17+ vials of blood - that was rough!) tells us that I have a mutated Methylene tetrahydrofolate reductase (aka the MTHFR gene). Apparently, this is fairly common, as are the three different medicines I now take to accompany it. It has now been 120 days since I began this medicine, and no sign of progress has been seen....but we are still prayerful and hopeful for our miracle one day. :)
......
So, back to what I was saying. Over this past year, I've had a lot of up days and a lot of down days. However, on any given day, most people tend to see the smiles. At first, it was because of the "vaseline" - that hope that helped me keep smiling even when I didn't want to.
- We had a successful pregnancy for 8 weeks, so I knew it could happen again - HOPE.
- The doctor said that miscarriages were not uncommon, and next time would probably be successful - HOPE.
- Friends with past miscarriages and the MTHFR gene were having successful pregnancies - HOPE.
- Another successful pregnancy for 5 weeks; okay, so it can still happen. Surely it won't happen again. - HOPE.
- After all the genetic testing, we finally had some answers and medicine to help - HOPE.
5 months later - that vaseline jar of hope was starting to run low. I truly tried to start "faking it until I made it." How do you find that joy again and not sink into a fast hole of depression, which I started to do?? How do you smile and pick your head up when your biggest dream seems impossible??
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Dear Sweet Hopeful Mother-to-Be (like me),
I've been there. I'm still there. It sucks. CD 1 brings about the most intense emotional pain you've ever felt each month. Trust me, I know.
The tears fall and you try to hide them from your hubby because you know he's hurting just as much as you, and you don't want to add to that pain.
You blame yourself and wonder what you could do differently. You try. You track temperatures, map out days, take the prescribed medicine (even give yourself the shots), PRAY, vent to others, say unintentional, hurtful things to others, PRAY SOME MORE, question what you did wrong, get irate as national abortion numbers continue to rise, PLEAD WITH GOD, try to get healthier, avoid all caffeine and anything you think might hurt any progress, go to countless doctors appointments, PRAY EVEN MORE (maybe even angrily), get the "look" from the little cashier as you buy yet another test ... and the list goes on.
You give yourself a pep-talk and try to continue your life and work as normal as possible, even though seemingly everything reminds you of that longing that you're not so sure will ever happen.
That hope starts turning to doubt, and it can spiral into a really deep place if you let it.
But, Dear Sweet Hopeful Mother-to-Be (like me), please don't. Please know that there is still joy. When the smiles start to run out, borrow them!
Find a support group, friends you can count on, vent to, cry with, and have FUN with. Your hubby is a great resource, but sometimes you need another woman who knows how it feels. If you can't muster the strength to smile yourself, wear the smiles their precious friendship gives! I cannot even imagine how I would get through some days without my dear friends. Can't think of anyone? I'm here! Right here. Whatever you do, please do not keep it all bottled inside and go through this alone. It will steal all your joy, and that is no way to live. Please know that you are not alone.
Lean on your spouse, not away from them. God gave you a helpmate for a reason. Pray together - seek His will above your own. As ironic as it is, there is so much joy and peace that comes when you realize that you are NOT in control and there's nothing better you can both do than to trust in the One who creates ALL life.
Delve into personal development. Read your Bible and pray, yes. But also do something else you love to do. Read a book. Do a hobby or craft you've wanted to try. Catch up on that Netflix show. Get a mani/pedi. Go to the gym or run to burn off that anxiety. Do SOMETHING. Lying on the couch wallowing in self pity will get you absolutely no where. Trust God to open that door when He sees fit, and in the meantime, dance and praise Him in the hallway.
Our day is coming. I believe it with all of my heart!
The battle is not over, but we already know who wins. It IS going to be okay, and I refuse to let the circumstances of this world and the heartbreak defeat me and steal even more joy than it already has. That would only make Satan happy, and that's the LAST thing I plan to do. What about you?
So, Dear Sweet Hopeful Mother-to-Be (like me), please don't give up.
Let's live a full, joyful life that will make our future children proud of their mommy.
and on the tough days, because they WILL come, just remember:
Come what may, God is still God. He is still Good, and He is still on His throne, and NOTHING is going to change that. Choose joy, and if you have to, borrow a SMILE. :)
Prayers and big hugs to you, future mama! Keep trusting. Not my, but THY will be done.
Until next time...
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