Through the Fire

Through the Fire

...and I don't mean this whole stop, drop, and roll shindig

Don't get me wrong. That method works wonders when that pesky solicitor rings your doorbell. And in all honesty, it probably does work if and when you ever find yourself literally on fire. (Thankfully, I have never had such an experience.) However, those three little words do absolutely nothing when life seems to go up in flames and you're left with a blazing furnace of emotions.

Yeah, I know, things just got serious in a hurry. That's kind of been my story the past two weeks. 

You see, I've always had what I would consider a pretty easy life. My childhood years were not plagued with turmoil or a series of unfortunate events (like the Baudelaire children). Academics came fairly easy to me, and my parents always seemed to effortlessly provide both my needs and many wants. (Whether it was as seamless as they portrayed, I'll never know.) I did not make the cheer squad one year and, sure, I had my fair share of high-school love break-ups, but I lived a very blessed, privileged life... not that my seventeen year-old self was aware of that at the time. I graduated high school at the top of my class, went to college on a full-tuition scholarship, and met/married my dream man shortly after. Granted, I was jobless for eight months, which up until now was the toughest hardship I had ever faced. However, let's be honest, when you have a husband with a solid job, a few months hiatus from the working world wasn't exactly "torture." Nonetheless, God eventually opened doors to an amazing career, and three years later we were ready to start a family.

That was, until two weeks ago when we found out we had lost our precious first child. 
Dose 1 of gasoline - empty sac + empty screen + no heartbeat
Dose 2 of gasoline - surgery + recovery
Flames ignite.
Dose 3 - Post-op doctors appt., happy couple walks into waiting room with new ultrasound pics
Dose 4 - Where did all these happy expectant mothers in the grocery store suddenly come from?
Consuming Fire.
Dose 5 - Recovery is taking awhile, must wait longer to try again for a precious child
Dose 6 - Person unknowingly says, "Courtney, be thankful for all this free time you have w/o kids."
Suffocating in the Heat.

Praise be unto God that my story doesn't end there. I don't know your story. I don't know the fires of your life, and until a couple weeks ago, I'd never been through one myself. However, these past several days have taught me a lot about going THROUGH THE FIRE. You may be much wiser than me and already have this whole thing figured out. If so, please proceed to another blogger, as your time here will be futile at best. However, if you're like me and the flames have only been "somewhat managed", then you know that all it takes is one spark for everything to ignite again. Knowing full well that I'm not in the clear, I want to remind myself (and you) what I do know, based on my experiences the past week, about putting out fires, especially the emotional ones:

Putting Out the Fire

There are some common tools that are recommended for putting out physical fires, and what I have learned the past two weeks is that they also apply to emotional flames, as well.

1. WATER
Water is a natural source that can help diminish the heat of a situation and keep the flames from spreading. It is a source that is easy to gather and works quickly in times of emergency. Many times, the more water the merrier, as demonstrated by the tremendous pressure and volume expelled from a fire hose. --- I found out that the water is like friends, family, and church/support groups in our lives. In times of an emergency, they are easy to gather and work quickly in times of an emergency. Had it not been for the love and support of our friends and family, I'm not sure how I would've made it through the flames. If you, too, find yourself in the midst of a burning, collapsing situation, please gather your water source!

2. PAN LIDS 
When the grease (or added doses of life) get too hot, one of the most effective ways to put out the fire is through smothering it with a pan lid. -- I have realized that that the pan lid, for me, was my husband. He lovingly covered me, even as my emotional turmoil was blazing. For you, this may be a spouse, love, close family member, or best friend. They can truly aid in preventing any more combustion. However, you have to be careful. You see, as the lid covers the fire to smother it, it also gets very hot in the process. As my sweet husband worked to protect my heart, and I am so thankful that he diligently did so, I think he got burned in the process. Until the combustion quit, I was sparking and smoldering at him, although completely unintentionally. Praise the Lord for the pan lids, but just be careful to get one that is as heat-resistant as possible, like my precious hubs.

3. BAKING SODA
 This common household item provides temporary relief that releases carbon dioxide and water to help smother the fire, but you will probably still eventually need back-up. -- For me, this included books, blogs, shows, etc. As I was able to read about the experiences of others who had been in my shoes, it provided temporary relief and comfort for my own situation. I watched shows and read stories that took my mind off the problem at hand and smothered the feelings momentarily. However, it is important to note that this is usually only temporary relief before you have to call in the pros. When the flames start building, grab the baking soda; just be prepared to call in back-up.

4. FIRE EXTINGUISHER!
This is more of what I meant by the big-dogs, the back-up. We all know that fire extinguishers should be kept in an easily visible, accessible location, and they should be kept anywhere that a fire can occur (which is pretty much anywhere). -- This is my God. He is ever-present in our times of need. We can call on Him, and if it's His will, He will pull out the pin and extinguish the flames completely.
If I'm being honest with you, I am not to that point, yet. I have called on His name, cried out in desperation, but the flames, although much lower, are still flickering some.

5. BLANKET
This is the part where the blanket comes in. These are extremely useful when you or someone you know is on fire. These are also handy when the flames are still blazing and you've got to find a way out. Physically speaking, you wrap yourself in a blanket and bust through or exit the window without hopefully getting cut, scraped, or burned in the process. -- In an emotional sense, this was the prayers and guidance of the Holy Spirit in my life. The flames were still going; the gasoline kept getting doused. I had to find a way out! I had tried the baking soda, the water, and the pan lid; yet, it just wasn't quite enough, and the extinguisher had not been activated. So, I am currently in the blanket. The prayers of believers and the guidance of the Holy Spirit have provided unimaginable and indescribable PEACE. How you can have such peace in a situation like this, I still cannot explain, but I am so thankful for the blanket of protection that the Lord has provided.

I don't have all the answers, and I know that extinguished fires often leave behind destruction, rubble, and shattered dreams. If you have the wisdom for "after the fire", I am all ears. All I can share is what I've learned as I travel "through the fire."  

This post may have only been the Lord's way of having me slow down long enough to truly listen to and reflect on the message of hope He has placed on my heart. However, the urging that I felt to actually write this post (even after trying to ignore it) makes me feel that this message is not just for me. Prayers and hugs as we go "through the fire" together.

** One of my favorite songs is "Through the Fire" by the Crabb Family. 

Until next time... 

And if not...He is still good!

Paul and Courtney.
Husband and Wife.
Daddy and Mommy.

After three exciting and wonderful years of marriage, we finally felt that we were ready to take on the additional titles of Mommy and Daddy. Okay, so Paul was a little less nervous about the idea than I was, but nonetheless we were both pumped about embarking on this new adventure!

A few months later on August 12, 2015, God answered our prayers. After the longest three minutes of my life, we read the test together, hugging and squealing with excitement as it read:

PREGNANT.

I could hardly contain my excitement for the next few weeks! My sister was the first to know, and we made a trip back home to tell my parents. We just couldn't hold it in any longer. Paul's parents were next. They were ecstatic! 

Then, on September 9 @ 2:45 I felt as though I had just been sucker-punched in the stomach. As the sweet nurse calmly continued the ultrasound, searching for our baby, the emptiness that I began to feel seemed to match the emptiness I was viewing on the monitor. "Could your dates be off?" she kindly asked. Swallowing hard, I responded with a feeble "no."

I was looking at a perfectly round sac that was measuring 6 weeks, 6 days, and the nurse was telling me which ovary my baby had come from.

So, where was my baby?

The blood test showed that my hormone levels were on point! "Your numbers are great," the nurse said.

So where was my baby?

Then, the doctor came in - and HUGGED me. Immediately, the tears were uncontrollable. Then, she said the two words that changed our lives forever - BLIGHTED OVUM. I had never heard of this and did not know what she meant. Basically, everything was there, except for our baby. The baby, our baby, had quit developing and was not big enough to show up on the screen. 

But there was a 1% chance she was wrong, and she wanted to run a few more tests to gather more conclusive data. I went for more blood tests, more ultrasounds, and had a check-up five days later. The diagnosis was finalized. We had lost our first child, and I was scheduled for surgery two days later.

We cried. A LOT. We hugged. A LOT. We prayed. A LOT. 

I am now three days post-surgery and am physically recovering well. The emotional healing, however, will probably take more time. We are trying to get used to a new "normal". My super tiny little bump is no more. There is a part of our heart that will forever be missing. I am trying so hard to not be rude when people ask "When are y'all going to have a child?" We are trying to not let our pain overshadow the joy of so many of our friends and family who are expecting.We are trying to trust in God's perfect plan, even when we don't understand it. BUT We are trying.

Thank you to those who already learned of our situation one way or another. Without your support, love, and prayers, we would not have been as strong through all of this. My doctor is also the most genuine, caring physician I have ever met, aside from the Great Physician. I actually ran into her yesterday in town, and she stopped during the middle of her grocery trip to ask me how I was doing. She did not just mean physically. She genuinely asked, "How are YOU doing, Courtney?" She acknowledged that the D&C procedure was so much more than just surgery. It was accepting the loss of a child. She will never know how much that meant to me, but Dr. Callison, THANK YOU!

We prayed for that 1%, but that just was not the case. As Daniel said.... and if not, He is still good. God is still God; He is still on His throne, and He is still good.  

 

Please know that I am not writing this blog for attention for Paul or myself. We just do not want our sweet child to be forgotten. As Dr. Seuss said, "A person's a person no matter how small." Our child may have only lived for a few weeks, but he/she was still OUR child. Our first child.  We will always love and will never forget our sweet angel baby. 

Dear child,
Before you were even formed, God knew you (Jeremiah 1:5). Now, you get to live your life where Mommy and Daddy dream of being one day. You just got an express ticket there. We will always love you and cannot wait to meet you in Heaven.We wear a token every day to remember you, precious little one.

 So, yes, we have accepted our new roles as Mommy and Daddy. We may not have our precious little one with us here on this earth, but our child is always in our hearts. Please continue to pray for us as we continue to heal and are hopeful about our future children. 

Until next time...