Husband and Wife.
Daddy and Mommy.
After three exciting and wonderful years of marriage, we finally felt that we were ready to take on the additional titles of Mommy and Daddy. Okay, so Paul was a little less nervous about the idea than I was, but nonetheless we were both pumped about embarking on this new adventure!
A few months later on August 12, 2015, God answered our prayers. After the longest three minutes of my life, we read the test together, hugging and squealing with excitement as it read:
PREGNANT.
I could hardly contain my excitement for the next few weeks! My sister was the first to know, and we made a trip back home to tell my parents. We just couldn't hold it in any longer. Paul's parents were next. They were ecstatic!
Then, on September 9 @ 2:45 I felt as though I had just been sucker-punched in the stomach. As the sweet nurse calmly continued the ultrasound, searching for our baby, the emptiness that I began to feel seemed to match the emptiness I was viewing on the monitor. "Could your dates be off?" she kindly asked. Swallowing hard, I responded with a feeble "no."
I was looking at a perfectly round sac that was measuring 6 weeks, 6 days, and the nurse was telling me which ovary my baby had come from.
So, where was my baby?
The blood test showed that my hormone levels were on point! "Your numbers are great," the nurse said.
So where was my baby?
Then, the doctor came in - and HUGGED me. Immediately, the tears were uncontrollable. Then, she said the two words that changed our lives forever - BLIGHTED OVUM. I had never heard of this and did not know what she meant. Basically, everything was there, except for our baby. The baby, our baby, had quit developing and was not big enough to show up on the screen.
But there was a 1% chance she was wrong, and she wanted to run a few more tests to gather more conclusive data. I went for more blood tests, more ultrasounds, and had a check-up five days later. The diagnosis was finalized. We had lost our first child, and I was scheduled for surgery two days later.
We cried. A LOT. We hugged. A LOT. We prayed. A LOT.
I am now three days post-surgery and am physically recovering well. The emotional healing, however, will probably take more time. We are trying to get used to a new "normal". My super tiny little bump is no more. There is a part of our heart that will forever be missing. I am trying so hard to not be rude when people ask "When are y'all going to have a child?" We are trying to not let our pain overshadow the joy of so many of our friends and family who are expecting.We are trying to trust in God's perfect plan, even when we don't understand it. BUT We are trying.
Thank you to those who already learned of our situation one way or another. Without your support, love, and prayers, we would not have been as strong through all of this. My doctor is also the most genuine, caring physician I have ever met, aside from the Great Physician. I actually ran into her yesterday in town, and she stopped during the middle of her grocery trip to ask me how I was doing. She did not just mean physically. She genuinely asked, "How are YOU doing, Courtney?" She acknowledged that the D&C procedure was so much more than just surgery. It was accepting the loss of a child. She will never know how much that meant to me, but Dr. Callison, THANK YOU!
We prayed for that 1%, but that just was not the case. As Daniel said.... and if not, He is still good. God is still God; He is still on His throne, and He is still good.
Please know that I am not writing this blog for attention for Paul or myself. We just do not want our sweet child to be forgotten. As Dr. Seuss said, "A person's a person no matter how small." Our child may have only lived for a few weeks, but he/she was still OUR child. Our first child. We will always love and will never forget our sweet angel baby.
Dear child,
Before you were even formed, God knew you (Jeremiah 1:5). Now, you get to live your life where Mommy and Daddy dream of being one day. You just got an express ticket there. We will always love you and cannot wait to meet you in Heaven.We wear a token every day to remember you, precious little one.
So, yes, we have accepted our new roles as Mommy and Daddy. We may not have our precious little one with us here on this earth, but our child is always in our hearts. Please continue to pray for us as we continue to heal and are hopeful about our future children.
Until next time...
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